and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
