between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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