also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
