I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
