So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
