I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
