Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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