god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
