Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
