i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
