Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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