my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
