So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
