new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
