Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
