Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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