If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
