Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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