thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
