If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
