He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
