I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
