My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
