there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
