Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
