the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
