i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
