My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
