I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
