I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize