Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
