here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
