he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
