So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...