yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
