If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
