So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
