I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
