i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
