I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
