I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
