He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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