Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
