Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
