Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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