i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
