Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
