I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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