happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
