I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
