I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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