Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
