3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
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