you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
