Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
