He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
