I think I won the penis lottery.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
