i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
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There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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