so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
