maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
