I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
