Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
